Breaking patterns is really hard

"I'm going to do it differently this time."

Writing is fun, yet it’s been so difficult to do consistently. I have lots of boogey people to blame for this one — the demands of a startup job, summer fun in NYC, trying to run multiple businesses. Ugh, it’s all BS ain’t it? We spend time on the things we want to focus on, the end.

Random footage of a drive through Otranto [Puglia] just cuz.

I’ve been exposing myself to more forms of creativity and it’s inspiring. Every time I walk out of an art space I question what I’m doing. I get this burst of “just start” energy and then I somehow settle back into my pattern. Maybe it’s because fear and stress often result in finding coping methods that generate feelings of the opposite. You know, like carelessness and ease — fun. The coping actually wallpapers over the reality that doing challenging things can stimulate the same things as the distractive coping techniques. And so, we’re here.

I’m trying a [semi-] daily exercise of writing some AM (morning) and PM (evening) thoughts in my journal. This morning I wrote five, but it’s really meant to simply engage the mind and record things swirling around inside. Here’s an example of two things that landed on the page this morning:

Silence can be deafening — it’s when silence is quiet that fear abounds. Addiction looms.

Does that sound morbid or dark? Whatever, I suppose it is okay however it’s interpreted. Here’s another:

The idea of wasting time is ubiquitous; and yet, metrics of agency are illusory.

Original photo by Nik on Unsplash

I’m realizing that on the surface I’m really great at productivity. When I need to get something done I can power through like nobody’s business — brute force. My mind loves this because deep dives and extremes are my bag. However, I don’t want to float downstream only navigating calm waters that don’t require the same level of vulnerability as creating demands and deserves. I want to break the pattern. I want to snap the cold streak that has prevented me from proactively digging into my artistic side in multiple mediums — photography, writing, and film. There are stories inside that are imaginative and some that are real; I’d like to tell those. There are thoughts inside that feel helpful, if not perspective shifting; I’d like to share those. It’s a giant step on the path of being myself, unapologetically.

Today, marks day 1 of attempting to break a pattern, publicly and privately. I’d love to have you join me.

I leave you today with something my pops shared with me last night: